Finding a Divorce Lawyer: Avoid An Ugly Situation

by Amelie on May 5, 2010

Few divorce attorneys are as charming as Harry of “Sex and the City” fame. However, you don’t need to be looking for a new friend in a divorce lawyer.

A divorce lawyer may sometimes play the role of therapist or friend, but that’s not his job. The key when looking for a divorce lawyer is not to necessarily pick the most charming personality out there. You’re not looking for a new husband; just someone competent enough to handle your divorce and not cause you additional drama in the process.

If you’re a woman, it might feel uncomfortable to talk to a strange man about your private affairs. Unfortunately, the divorce lawyer market is saturated with male attorneys; finding a woman lawyer might be tough. However, if your heart is set on discussing intimate matters only with a fellow woman than you can probably find someone that fits the bill. Just keep in mind that it will likely take longer, and you may not have a lot of choices as far as your budget.

Divorce lawyers aren’t necessarily cheap, especially if you’re dealing with child custody and/or property issues. Expensive doesn’t equal expertise; cheap doesn’t equal a shady law practice.

Most divorce lawyers will give you a free or low-priced consultation. If you call or e-mail a law firm and immediately feel pressure to make a hiring decision, then run away! This lawyer can in some cases help make or break your divorce settlement and/or parenting rights. Anyone who tries to immediately rush you into a major financial decision is not looking out for your best interests, but more interested in lining his own possibly already-overstuffed wallet.

Before meeting for that consultation, know what you’re looking for out of your divorce. Chances are, your financial and/or custody issues can’t be readily resolved if you’re actively pursuing legal representation. Your lawyer will advocate on your behalf, and is willing to do things that you’d rather not such as airing your spouse’s numerous affairs in a packed courtroom.

Listen to your gut when sitting in that office. Your divorce lawyer doesn’t have to have a Harvard law degree (though I’m sure one doesn’t hurt!) but should seem competent. On the other hand, if he’s talking more like a salesman and using words like “promise” or “guarantee” than this is a likely scam. Unfortunately, no matter how good your divorce attorney actually is, no matter how lousy your soon-to-be-ex acts in life, no one can guarantee what that judge will decide.

If you find yourself holding back important details about your divorce because you’re uncomfortable with the lawyer, then go find someone else. Keep looking, especially if your divorce court case might turn into yet another Lifetime movie.

You will need to tell your selected attorney things that you might not ever tell your best friend. He needs to know what exactly your ex-partner did, and any actions you might have done. This especially applies in cases of adultery or potential child abuse. If you can’t spill the evidence that just might get you that deserved alimony payment or sole custody of your children, then even a celebrity divorce lawyer can’t help you.  He can only help you as much as you’re willing to help yourself, even if telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth is potentially embarrassing to both you and your ex.

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Asking Yourself Those Hard Questions After Divorce

by Amelie on May 4, 2010

It’s natural to have the question of, “What did I do to deserve this?” on your mind after a divorce. If you’re looking for genuine divorce support, please disregard the advice of anyone telling you that it’s “wrong” or “bad” to ask yourself these questions.

divorce support advice Asking Yourself Those Hard Questions After Divorce

I constantly asked myself, “What did I do to deserve this?” after the breakup of each relationship, even the seemingly casual ones. And when that divorce came, I probably qualified for a Losing a Year to Self Pity award.

You don’t have to go that far; there’s a fine line between normal questioning and potentially destructive ruminating.

Also, asking yourself hard questions can help you recover from any mistakes. This form of self-inquiry can actually be one of the strongest forms of divorce support, generating best pieces of divorce advice you can receive. Eventually, this is what will help you move on into a better relationship with yourself and maybe even a new lover.

You may want to just think about the answers, or write the responses down in a journal or type them in a private word processing document on your computer. You may have a trusted friend, family member, or therapist with whom you might feel comfortable sharing the answers. Just be careful who you spill your feelings to; some “well-meaning” people may try to deny or minimize how you really feeling.

You have a right to your feelings, whether they are of anguish or anger. Denying those feelings will only prolong the natural grieving process. Ignoring your feelings could also lead to overeating, too much caffeine, cigarette smoking, headaches, backaches, and other unpleasant symptoms that often accompany the stress of denying your true emotions.

Here’s some other “hard questions” to ask yourself as you recover from a divorce.  Feel free to ask yourself one, two, all, or none of them; this is your divorce recovery and no one else’s!

  • What did I like about my spouse?
  • What did I like about myself when I was with my spouse?
  • What did I not like (or if you’d rather, use hate) about my spouse?
  • What did I not like about my behaviors with my spouse?
  • Did I suspect my spouse had an affair, or had proof or admissions of infidelity? Did I commit infidelity or contemplate it?
  • Why did I marry my spouse?
  • Why am I divorcing my spouse?
  • What have I learned from this experience?
  • In what way has the direction of my life changed for the positive from the marriage?
  • Why did I endure that experience?

Now, at some point you’ll likely get past the stage of asking yourself questions like, “What did I do to deserve this?” and you will find peace in the growth in this type of divorce support and you will understand the direction your life has taken because of your experience. In fact, you may even be ready to find a new partner. Before jumping into the dating game, make sure that you realize what did and didn’t work about your marriage. If you chose a workaholic wife who often had affairs, becoming aware of that as part of your history can help prevent you from wearing blinders in the future.

These questions aren’t meant to recriminate, but to at least emotionally document what was right—and not-so-right—about your marriage. Accepting that you’re divorced is only part of the battle; feeling your emotions and also noting possible ignored “red flags” about your ex-spouse will make you a stronger romantic companion to someone else in the future.

You have the right to expect, and get, only the best in life and when you turn your focus towards what you deserve is when you start manifesting it for yourself!

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Divorce Advice: 3 Tips to Find Inner Strength During the Process

by Amelie on May 3, 2010

Maybe you knew those papers were coming, and prepared yourself for that knock on the door where a stranger stands before you with papers stating your spouse wants out.

divorce advice essential Divorce Advice: 3 Tips to Find Inner Strength During the Process

Or maybe you didn’t know and fell apart in front of that process server.

Even if you welcome the idea of divorce, this might be one of the hardest situations you’ll ever be asked to survive.

Yes, survive. You can survive the divorce process, even if it gets uglier than a television talk show episode

You will grow as a person and get to meet yourself in ways which you never knew possible. But during any change, you will need to draw upon your inner strength. Some of us have a lot of untapped inner strength that we never before accessed. Whether you’re a soon-to-be ex-housewife or a corporate magnate, you might need some or all of these following tips to find inner strength during the divorce process. Here is my divorce advice to you…

Divorce Support To Get You Through:

1. You don’t have to go through this transition alone. Tell yourself if necessary that, “I am not alone.” There’s nothing wrong with asking for help, even if you’re the type who never even asks for travel directions. If you aren’t comfortable talking to a family member or friend, you may consider hiring a professional therapist or life coach. If you’re in deep mourning and want to vent a lot about the divorce, you’re probably best suited to a therapist. If you’re somewhat glad your divorce process is underway but not quite sure what to do next, a life coach might be able to help you outline steps to move forward in your life. You might be able to start a career, find a new career, go back to school, travel, or all of the above. But how will you really meet your true self—sans spouse—if you go it alone?

2. Sit quietly with yourself on a daily basis, even if just for a few minutes. You don’t have to believe in prayer, meditation, yoga, or some New Age philosophy to sit quietly. Just lie down or sit down and have a couple of moments of solitude. We’re all so busy, and the divorce process can require a lot more time and energy than we feel we actually have inside of us. Quiet reflection can fuel those reserves of inner strength, and you might even get some ideas of your next life step (like taking a trip.)

3. Try to keep your thoughts and words as positive as possible. This doesn’t mean you have to qualify for sainthood. But if you’re constantly thinking curse words about your soon-to-be ex, or trashing her to everyone who will listen, you’re feeding yourself negative energy. Positive thoughts can be difficult to find during such challenging times. But if you think of at least one thing each day for which you are grateful, then that attitude of gratitude can carry you through even a difficult court hearing. Try to think of positive things that aren’t related to your ex, perhaps something as simple as a sunny day or a dog’s sleeping gaze.

Above all, know that keeping these three pieces of divorce advice in mind you can and will survive the divorce process and likely become a new and improved person with limitless potential.

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Overcoming Jealousy After A Divorce

by Amelie on May 3, 2010

Through this post divoce support process, sometimes that darn green-eyed monster shows up when least expected, especially when your divorce is still a fairly fresh lifestyle.

overcome jealousy Overcoming Jealousy After A Divorce

You could be walking down the street with a bagel, trying to have a nice day despite the fact that your “other half” is now gone and you just don’t know if you’re really whole without your former spouse. Suddenly, a young couple passes. They’re happy and in love just like you and your ex-partner once were.

Your moment of attempted serenity is now gone, thanks to a couple of strangers minding their own business. You want to throw your bagel at them, maybe even quote some divorce statistics.

Instead, you try to stuff down your feelings with denial or maybe a little more food than you really needed. But you’re here now, which is the first step toward kicking that uninvited green-eyed monster to the curb. Whether your aim is to overcome jealousy targeted to every couple in love or stop thinking about your ex’s new girlfriend, you can survive.

Worse things have happened than divorce. Even though it doesn’t feel like it at the time, here is one piece of divorce advice that I promise you can achieve: you can move beyond jealousy.

Sometimes as divorced people, we also suffer from debilitating jealousy targeted toward our ex and any of her new companions. I’ve admittedly logged too much time looking up my ex and his (many) girlfriends on Facebook.

Are you torturing yourself by checking up on your ex, either online or through mutual friends? That’s a guaranteed recipe for jealousy.

I took a drastic step to alleviate my suffering. I was consumed by thoughts of my ex, even addicted to them. I was emotionally broken and also furious; I didn’t see the end coming until “she” was right there in my face.

I deleted my MySpace and Facebook accounts and didn’t use either site for six months.

Now, you may not be into online social networking. But are you asking your friends, co-workers, kids, and other family members seemingly innocent questions like, “So, how is (ex) doing?”

If you are looking to follow positive divorce support tips then remember this – checking up on your ex is setting yourself up for even more unnecessary pain. Try to stop asking such questions. Do you really want to know the answers? Especially from your kids or other kids in the family, who sometimes are a little too honest for someone with a broken heart?

If your jealousy rises unprovoked, such as with the situation with happy couples walking down the street then you may not have fully admitted your feelings of grief. For some people, divorce can being even more traumatic than a loved one’s death. Finding closure when the other person is alive but gone can be difficult.

Next time you feel jealous, I want you to try this exercise:

1. Sit in a place that is peaceful.

2. Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths.

3. Let your jealous thoughts come into awareness – what are you thinking right now. I feel _____ Fill in the blanks without censoring yourself.

4. If you know your jealous thoughts to be true, bring your attention to your core (near your gut) and feel the sensation in your stomach.

5. No take a deep breath in, accepting how you feel, tell yourself it’s ok.

6. Take a deep breath out, releasing the jealousy.

7. Continue to breathe in and out and until you have released the tension.

8. Replace the jealous thought in your mind with a visual representation of how you feel when you are at peace. Do this for at least two minutes. Think of a time in the past when you were happy and create this imagery in your mind. Watch yourself at home enjoying cooking, at work busy in a task, or out with friends.

No matter what spawns that green-eyed monster, feeling those feelings may cause jealousy to all but go away. Use this exercise each time the feelings arise and I promise, the green-eyed monster will be gone very soon and for good.

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4 Types of Divorce

by Amelie on April 20, 2010

In the US today, there are essentially four major types or classifications of divorce, and if you are considering taking the step of ending your marriage it will help for you to know a little bit about all four of these…

Before You Approach A Divoce Lawyer - Get the Facts

File for divorce

The four categories of divorce are:

1) Fault/No fault divorce

2) contested/ Uncontested divorce

3) The simplified divorce

4) Mediated divorce

Here is a description or explanation of these four to help make more sense out of these terms and how they are unique or what they might have in common with one another in terms of their legal impact or process. Take this information as a summary and ask your divorce lawyer specific questions about each.

Fault versus No Fault Divorce…

…relates to whether or not the divorce needs to stipulate and show evidence that one of the partners in the marriage is the cause for the problems that inspired the divorce. Long ago all marriages were “fault” divorces – which meant that if you wanted the court to let you get a divorce you had to prove that your spouse was at fault. Maybe they were violent toward you or cheated on you, for example, and after presenting proof of that the fault divorce was awarded to you. Nowadays, however, most divorces end through the “no fault” legal process, which does not require that anybody is shown to be at fault.

Maybe you just don’t get along, and that is sufficient. Even if there is some misbehavior like an affair that could serve as legal grounds for a fault divorce, you still have the choice to go the “no fault” route for the sake of simplicity. Just say you want a divorce because there are differences or some kind of incompatibility that cannot be rectified and that will suffice.

Contested Divorces….

…are not so simple, and they get their name from the fact that in these one of the partners in the marriage contests or disagrees with the other person’s request for divorce. Or they may agree to divorce but they don’t agree with the decisions about how to divide up property, money, or child custody. They hit an impasse, so a judge has to intervene and sort it all out according to what seems right, legal, and fair. He or she – the judge – becomes the referee in the contest. By contrast a “non contested” or “no contest” divorce is one where both spouses agree to the divorce and to all of the terms of the settlement and divorce. They have no arguments so it is a no contest situation. These no contest divorces are simpler, faster, and cost much less in terms of legal fees than do contested ones.

Simplified Divorce…

…which is available in many states. Simplified divorces are uncontested, no-fault divorces where everybody agrees with the terms of the divorce settlement.  Each state has its owns rules for the simplified divorce, but some let you divorce very fast – within 30 days or say – under this kind of arrangement, so it can be speedy and much less complex and costly than a conventional divorce proceeding.

Mediation…

…the fourth category in our list – is not actually divorce, but it is instead a process of negotiating and communicating between the spouses to help them reach a mutual agreement. Although mediation is not divorce per se, a successful mediation can smooth the divorce process and help a contested divorce reach a conclusion with less hostility and delay.

A trained and certified mediator sits down with the spouses and helps to facilitate a civilized and calm discussion and settlement. Mediators don’t give legal advice, they work instead sort of like diplomats at the United Nations to resolve conflict and reach a peace accord. Mediation is voluntary, you can bring your attorney along for the sessions, and the whole idea is just to open up the lines of communications and facilitate an agreeable divorce settlement that can then be taken to the judge for the divorce itself.

Your divorce lawyer should be able to clarify the pros/cons of each type of divorce.

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Your First Party Divorce Advice: Are You Ready?

by Amelie on April 30, 2010

I moved to a new state to reunite for the umpteenth time with my now ex-husband, and within six weeks the relationship was over. Actually, the relationship really had ended before I set foot in the new state. Of course, no one wants to admit that “dream love” has ended; I certainly wasn’t any exception.

life after divorce Your First Party Divorce Advice: Are You Ready?

My new co-workers hadn’t met the man I’d moved to the state for, and a company party was coming up. Trying to put salve on that still-broken heart, I had immediately started dating again; definitely not a piece of divorce advice that I advocate!

So, I was bringing the new guy to this party and neither he nor I wanted him to be called by my ex’s name. I also didn’t want to deal with the drama of potential questions, so I decided to first cut any busybodies off at the knees. I ran around to my co-workers and told them the man I was bringing to the party was NOT my husband, the man I had moved 2,000 miles for. It was “the new guy.” Essentially, I had lied.

I was lucky enough to have formed close relationships with my bosses and most of my co-workers, so my bold behavior wasn’t necessarily inappropriate. But you may want to keep news of your divorce more quiet, especially in the workplace.

Eventually, you’ve got to start getting out there in the party world again. Whether you’re 28 or 58, you likely attend some kind of party at least once a year. It could be a Super Bowl gathering, a family holiday party, an office party, or a friend’s birthday party. When that first party comes around, here is my ultimate piece of post divorce advice:

Take a deep breath and try out the following steps-

Identify your fears. Are you afraid of possibly running into him or her? Are you concerned about what mutual friends might have heard, or what they might say to you? Are you afraid to go out alone?

If you really don’t want to go, know that it’s okay to say no. You might not be ready, especially if the circumstances of your divorce involve dramatic custody battles.

If you think you might have fun but are afraid of the unknown, rewrite that story where you would be sitting at home alone eating potato chips instead of being out in the world.

Every day we live offers a unique set of chances and yes, challenges. The key to getting past a divorce or any other traumatic event is to eventually work past fear, which some call False Evidence Appearing Real.

Don’t give into false evidence that you have done something “bad.” Even if you weren’t a model husband or wife, most people are too busy with their own lives to obsess about yours. Going to the party with this in mind may alleviate a lot of your anxiety. Remember, you can leave at anytime if you’re just not comfortable being there. As a now-single person, you have an awesome opportunity to make a lot of independent choices. You don’t have to be subject to your former partner’s schedule anymore when it comes to a party; you are now your own social captain.

If you’re stomach is still feeling like it has a rock-solid mass of fear that just won’t go away, then once again take a deep breath. Keep telling yourself “I am innocent” until you believe that!

That first party after a divorce might be scary, but it also might be the ticket you need to for full admission into a drama-free life.

Remember, at understanding divorce we not only offer the essential tips to find the perfect divorce lawyer we provide genuine divorce support and practical divorce advice because we have been there and understand divorce.

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