Few divorce attorneys are as charming as Harry of “Sex and the City” fame. However, you don’t need to be looking for a new friend in a divorce lawyer.

A divorce lawyer may sometimes play the role of therapist or friend, but that’s not his job. The key when looking for a divorce lawyer is not to necessarily pick the most charming personality out there. You’re not looking for a new husband; just someone competent enough to handle your divorce and not cause you additional drama in the process.

If you’re a woman, it might feel uncomfortable to talk to a strange man about your private affairs. Unfortunately, the divorce lawyer market is saturated with male attorneys; finding a woman lawyer might be tough. However, if your heart is set on discussing intimate matters only with a fellow woman than you can probably find someone that fits the bill. Just keep in mind that it will likely take longer, and you may not have a lot of choices as far as your budget.

Divorce lawyers aren’t necessarily cheap, especially if you’re dealing with child custody and/or property issues. Expensive doesn’t equal expertise; cheap doesn’t equal a shady law practice.

Most divorce lawyers will give you a free or low-priced consultation. If you call or e-mail a law firm and immediately feel pressure to make a hiring decision, then run away! This lawyer can in some cases help make or break your divorce settlement and/or parenting rights. Anyone who tries to immediately rush you into a major financial decision is not looking out for your best interests, but more interested in lining his own possibly already-overstuffed wallet.

Before meeting for that consultation, know what you’re looking for out of your divorce. Chances are, your financial and/or custody issues can’t be readily resolved if you’re actively pursuing legal representation. Your lawyer will advocate on your behalf, and is willing to do things that you’d rather not such as airing your spouse’s numerous affairs in a packed courtroom.

Listen to your gut when sitting in that office. Your divorce lawyer doesn’t have to have a Harvard law degree (though I’m sure one doesn’t hurt!) but should seem competent. On the other hand, if he’s talking more like a salesman and using words like “promise” or “guarantee” than this is a likely scam. Unfortunately, no matter how good your divorce attorney actually is, no matter how lousy your soon-to-be-ex acts in life, no one can guarantee what that judge will decide.

If you find yourself holding back important details about your divorce because you’re uncomfortable with the lawyer, then go find someone else. Keep looking, especially if your divorce court case might turn into yet another Lifetime movie.

You will need to tell your selected attorney things that you might not ever tell your best friend. He needs to know what exactly your ex-partner did, and any actions you might have done. This especially applies in cases of adultery or potential child abuse. If you can’t spill the evidence that just might get you that deserved alimony payment or sole custody of your children, then even a celebrity divorce lawyer can’t help you.  He can only help you as much as you’re willing to help yourself, even if telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth is potentially embarrassing to both you and your ex.

It’s natural to have the question of, “What did I do to deserve this?” on your mind after a divorce. If you’re looking for genuine divorce support, please disregard the advice of anyone telling you that it’s “wrong” or “bad” to ask yourself these questions.

I constantly asked myself, “What did I do to deserve this?” after the breakup of each relationship, even the seemingly casual ones. And when that divorce came, I probably qualified for a Losing a Year to Self Pity award.

You don’t have to go that far; there’s a fine line between normal questioning and potentially destructive ruminating.

Also, asking yourself hard questions can help you recover from any mistakes. This form of self-inquiry can actually be one of the strongest forms of divorce support, generating best pieces of divorce advice you can receive. Eventually, this is what will help you move on into a better relationship with yourself and maybe even a new lover.

You may want to just think about the answers, or write the responses down in a journal or type them in a private word processing document on your computer. You may have a trusted friend, family member, or therapist with whom you might feel comfortable sharing the answers. Just be careful who you spill your feelings to; some “well-meaning” people may try to deny or minimize how you really feeling.

You have a right to your feelings, whether they are of anguish or anger. Denying those feelings will only prolong the natural grieving process. Ignoring your feelings could also lead to overeating, too much caffeine, cigarette smoking, headaches, backaches, and other unpleasant symptoms that often accompany the stress of denying your true emotions.

Here’s some other “hard questions” to ask yourself as you recover from a divorce.  Feel free to ask yourself one, two, all, or none of them; this is your divorce recovery and no one else’s!

• What did I like about my spouse?
• What did I like about myself when I was with my spouse?
• What did I not like (or if you’d rather, use hate) about my spouse?
• What did I not like about my behaviors with my spouse?
• Did I suspect my spouse had an affair, or had proof or admissions of infidelity? Did I commit infidelity or contemplate it?
• Why did I marry my spouse?
• Why am I divorcing my spouse?
• What have I learned from this experience?
• In what way has the direction of my life changed for the positive from the marriage?
• Why did I endure that experience?

Now, at some point you’ll likely get past the stage of asking yourself questions like, “What did I do to deserve this?” and you will find peace in the growth in this type of divorce support and you will understand the direction your life has taken because of your experience. In fact, you may even be ready to find a new partner. Before jumping into the dating game, make sure that you realize what did and didn’t work about your marriage. If you chose a workaholic wife who often had affairs, becoming aware of that as part of your history can help prevent you from wearing blinders in the future.

These questions aren’t meant to recriminate, but to at least emotionally document what was right—and not-so-right—about your marriage. Accepting that you’re divorced is only part of the battle; feeling your emotions and also noting possible ignored “red flags” about your ex-spouse will make you a stronger romantic companion to someone else in the future.

You have the right to expect, and get, only the best in life and when you turn your focus towards what you deserve is when you start manifesting it for yourself!

Maybe you knew those papers were coming, and prepared yourself for that knock on the door where a stranger stands before you with papers stating your spouse wants out.

Or maybe you didn’t know and fell apart in front of that process server.

Even if you welcome the idea of divorce, this might be one of the hardest situations you’ll ever be asked to survive.

Yes, survive. You can survive the divorce process, even if it gets uglier than a television talk show episode

You will grow as a person and get to meet yourself in ways which you never knew possible. But during any change, you will need to draw upon your inner strength. Some of us have a lot of untapped inner strength that we never before accessed. Whether you’re a soon-to-be ex-housewife or a corporate magnate, you might need some or all of these following tips to find inner strength during the divorce process. Here is my divorce advice to you…

Divorce Support To Get You Through:

1. You don’t have to go through this transition alone. Tell yourself if necessary that, “I am not alone.” There’s nothing wrong with asking for help, even if you’re the type who never even asks for travel directions. If you aren’t comfortable talking to a family member or friend, you may consider hiring a professional therapist or life coach. If you’re in deep mourning and want to vent a lot about the divorce, you’re probably best suited to a therapist. If you’re somewhat glad your divorce process is underway but not quite sure what to do next, a life coach might be able to help you outline steps to move forward in your life. You might be able to start a career, find a new career, go back to school, travel, or all of the above. But how will you really meet your true self—sans spouse—if you go it alone?

2. Sit quietly with yourself on a daily basis, even if just for a few minutes. You don’t have to believe in prayer, meditation, yoga, or some New Age philosophy to sit quietly. Just lie down or sit down and have a couple of moments of solitude. We’re all so busy, and the divorce process can require a lot more time and energy than we feel we actually have inside of us. Quiet reflection can fuel those reserves of inner strength, and you might even get some ideas of your next life step (like taking a trip.)

3. Try to keep your thoughts and words as positive as possible. This doesn’t mean you have to qualify for sainthood. But if you’re constantly thinking curse words about your soon-to-be ex, or trashing her to everyone who will listen, you’re feeding yourself negative energy. Positive thoughts can be difficult to find during such challenging times. But if you think of at least one thing each day for which you are grateful, then that attitude of gratitude can carry you through even a difficult court hearing. Try to think of positive things that aren’t related to your ex, perhaps something as simple as a sunny day or a dog’s sleeping gaze.

Above all, know that keeping these three pieces of divorce advice in mind you can and will survive the divorce process and likely become a new and improved person with limitless potential.

Through this post divoce support process, sometimes that darn green-eyed monster shows up when least expected, especially when your divorce is still a fairly fresh lifestyle.

You could be walking down the street with a bagel, trying to have a nice day despite the fact that your “other half” is now gone and you just don’t know if you’re really whole without your former spouse. Suddenly, a young couple passes. They’re happy and in love just like you and your ex-partner once were.

Your moment of attempted serenity is now gone, thanks to a couple of strangers minding their own business. You want to throw your bagel at them, maybe even quote some divorce statistics.

Instead, you try to stuff down your feelings with denial or maybe a little more food than you really needed. But you’re here now, which is the first step toward kicking that uninvited green-eyed monster to the curb. Whether your aim is to overcome jealousy targeted to every couple in love or stop thinking about your ex’s new girlfriend, you can survive.

Worse things have happened than divorce. Even though it doesn’t feel like it at the time, here is one piece of divorce advice that I promise you can achieve: you can move beyond jealousy.

Sometimes as divorced people, we also suffer from debilitating jealousy targeted toward our ex and any of her new companions. I’ve admittedly logged too much time looking up my ex and his (many) girlfriends on Facebook.

Are you torturing yourself by checking up on your ex, either online or through mutual friends? That’s a guaranteed recipe for jealousy.

I took a drastic step to alleviate my suffering. I was consumed by thoughts of my ex, even addicted to them. I was emotionally broken and also furious; I didn’t see the end coming until “she” was right there in my face.

I deleted my MySpace and Facebook accounts and didn’t use either site for six months.

Now, you may not be into online social networking. But are you asking your friends, co-workers, kids, and other family members seemingly innocent questions like, “So, how is (ex) doing?”

If you are looking to follow positive divorce support tips then remember this – checking up on your ex is setting yourself up for even more unnecessary pain. Try to stop asking such questions. Do you really want to know the answers? Especially from your kids or other kids in the family, who sometimes are a little too honest for someone with a broken heart?

If your jealousy rises unprovoked, such as with the situation with happy couples walking down the street then you may not have fully admitted your feelings of grief. For some people, divorce can being even more traumatic than a loved one’s death. Finding closure when the other person is alive but gone can be difficult.

Next time you feel jealous, I want you to try this exercise:

1. Sit in a place that is peaceful.

2. Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths.

3. Let your jealous thoughts come into awareness – what are you thinking right now. I feel _____ Fill in the blanks without censoring yourself.

4. If you know your jealous thoughts to be true, bring your attention to your core (near your gut) and feel the sensation in your stomach.

5. No take a deep breath in, accepting how you feel, tell yourself it’s ok.

6. Take a deep breath out, releasing the jealousy.

7. Continue to breathe in and out and until you have released the tension.

8. Replace the jealous thought in your mind with a visual representation of how you feel when you are at peace. Do this for at least two minutes. Think of a time in the past when you were happy and create this imagery in your mind. Watch yourself at home enjoying cooking, at work busy in a task, or out with friends.

No matter what spawns that green-eyed monster, feeling those feelings may cause jealousy to all but go away. Use this exercise each time the feelings arise and I promise, the green-eyed monster will be gone very soon and for good.

In the US today, there are essentially four major types or classifications of divorce, and if you are considering taking the step of ending your marriage it will help for you to know a little bit about all four of these…

Before You Approach A Divoce Lawyer - Get the Facts

The four categories of divorce are:

1) Fault/No fault divorce

2) contested/ Uncontested divorce

3) The simplified divorce

4) Mediated divorce

Here is a description or explanation of these four to help make more sense out of these terms and how they are unique or what they might have in common with one another in terms of their legal impact or process. Take this information as a summary and ask your divorce lawyer specific questions about each.

Fault versus No Fault Divorce…

…relates to whether or not the divorce needs to stipulate and show evidence that one of the partners in the marriage is the cause for the problems that inspired the divorce. Long ago all marriages were “fault” divorces – which meant that if you wanted the court to let you get a divorce you had to prove that your spouse was at fault. Maybe they were violent toward you or cheated on you, for example, and after presenting proof of that the fault divorce was awarded to you. Nowadays, however, most divorces end through the “no fault” legal process, which does not require that anybody is shown to be at fault.

Maybe you just don’t get along, and that is sufficient. Even if there is some misbehavior like an affair that could serve as legal grounds for a fault divorce, you still have the choice to go the “no fault” route for the sake of simplicity. Just say you want a divorce because there are differences or some kind of incompatibility that cannot be rectified and that will suffice.

Contested Divorces….

…are not so simple, and they get their name from the fact that in these one of the partners in the marriage contests or disagrees with the other person’s request for divorce. Or they may agree to divorce but they don’t agree with the decisions about how to divide up property, money, or child custody. They hit an impasse, so a judge has to intervene and sort it all out according to what seems right, legal, and fair. He or she – the judge – becomes the referee in the contest. By contrast a “non contested” or “no contest” divorce is one where both spouses agree to the divorce and to all of the terms of the settlement and divorce. They have no arguments so it is a no contest situation. These no contest divorces are simpler, faster, and cost much less in terms of legal fees than do contested ones.

Simplified Divorce…

…which is available in many states. Simplified divorces are uncontested, no-fault divorces where everybody agrees with the terms of the divorce settlement.  Each state has its owns rules for the simplified divorce, but some let you divorce very fast – within 30 days or say – under this kind of arrangement, so it can be speedy and much less complex and costly than a conventional divorce proceeding.

Mediation…

…the fourth category in our list – is not actually divorce, but it is instead a process of negotiating and communicating between the spouses to help them reach a mutual agreement. Although mediation is not divorce per se, a successful mediation can smooth the divorce process and help a contested divorce reach a conclusion with less hostility and delay.

A trained and certified mediator sits down with the spouses and helps to facilitate a civilized and calm discussion and settlement. Mediators don’t give legal advice, they work instead sort of like diplomats at the United Nations to resolve conflict and reach a peace accord. Mediation is voluntary, you can bring your attorney along for the sessions, and the whole idea is just to open up the lines of communications and facilitate an agreeable divorce settlement that can then be taken to the judge for the divorce itself.

Your divorce lawyer should be able to clarify the pros/cons of each type of divorce.

I moved to a new state to reunite for the umpteenth time with my now ex-husband, and within six weeks the relationship was over. Actually, the relationship really had ended before I set foot in the new state. Of course, no one wants to admit that “dream love” has ended; I certainly wasn’t any exception.

My new co-workers hadn’t met the man I’d moved to the state for, and a company party was coming up. Trying to put salve on that still-broken heart, I had immediately started dating again; definitely not a piece of divorce advice that I advocate!

So, I was bringing the new guy to this party and neither he nor I wanted him to be called by my ex’s name. I also didn’t want to deal with the drama of potential questions, so I decided to first cut any busybodies off at the knees. I ran around to my co-workers and told them the man I was bringing to the party was NOT my husband, the man I had moved 2,000 miles for. It was “the new guy.” Essentially, I had lied.

I was lucky enough to have formed close relationships with my bosses and most of my co-workers, so my bold behavior wasn’t necessarily inappropriate. But you may want to keep news of your divorce more quiet, especially in the workplace.

Eventually, you’ve got to start getting out there in the party world again. Whether you’re 28 or 58, you likely attend some kind of party at least once a year. It could be a Super Bowl gathering, a family holiday party, an office party, or a friend’s birthday party. When that first party comes around, here is my ultimate piece of post divorce advice:

Take a deep breath and try out the following steps-

Identify your fears. Are you afraid of possibly running into him or her? Are you concerned about what mutual friends might have heard, or what they might say to you? Are you afraid to go out alone?

If you really don’t want to go, know that it’s okay to say no. You might not be ready, especially if the circumstances of your divorce involve dramatic custody battles.

If you think you might have fun but are afraid of the unknown, rewrite that story where you would be sitting at home alone eating potato chips instead of being out in the world.

Every day we live offers a unique set of chances and yes, challenges. The key to getting past a divorce or any other traumatic event is to eventually work past fear, which some call False Evidence Appearing Real.

Don’t give into false evidence that you have done something “bad.” Even if you weren’t a model husband or wife, most people are too busy with their own lives to obsess about yours. Going to the party with this in mind may alleviate a lot of your anxiety. Remember, you can leave at anytime if you’re just not comfortable being there. As a now-single person, you have an awesome opportunity to make a lot of independent choices. You don’t have to be subject to your former partner’s schedule anymore when it comes to a party; you are now your own social captain.

If you’re stomach is still feeling like it has a rock-solid mass of fear that just won’t go away, then once again take a deep breath. Keep telling yourself “I am innocent” until you believe that!

That first party after a divorce might be scary, but it also might be the ticket you need to for full admission into a drama-free life.

Remember, at understanding divorce we not only offer the essential tips to find the perfect divorce lawyer we provide genuine divorce support and practical divorce advice because we have been there and understand divorce.

After the divorce, you feel that you are now ready to date. You want to put yourself out there and start dating someone. At this stage of dating after divorce, you have to be sure that you are over your ex. You should be able to think about your ex without murderous thought and intent, instead, you are settled with the divorce and you have accepted that you and your ex now have different lives. But before you go ahead and date, let’s have a list of some dos and dont’s in post divorce dating.

Let us start off with the ‘dos’

Do have fun.

Your first date after the divorce will reasonably set you on the edge. This is like the first date all over again. You become nervous, fidgety, palms sweaty and it is okay to be nervous. However, don’t let this get in the way of you having fun. Set yourself up to have fun. You’re only dating – nothing serious or at least not yet. Do think of happy thoughts and think of this date positively. This way, you are creating a positive vibe that will help create the mood of ease and fun.

Do prepare for your date.

This will be your date after a long time (at least with a different partner). You would want to look your best. Take time to dress nicely. Looking good will give you much confidence. Also, it doesn’t hurt to impress your date.

Do express yourself.

Be assertive. You are an equal participant in this date. You have a say to where you want to go or what you want to do. If your date suggests doing something you are not comfortable with, then say so. Do not be afraid of being assertive. Suggest on wonderful places you both might enjoy. Being assertive is a sign of confidence and self-esteem.

Do get to know your partner.

Part of the fun of dating is learning about your date. Do ask questions. Pay attention to what he is saying and pay attention to his actions too. Both give clues to the man or woman you are with. But as you ask him about himself, return the favor too. If the subject about relationships comes up, do tell him you are divorced. There is no shame in being divorced; you are being honest and upfront.

While you have the dos, you also have the don’ts

Don’t berate your date…for being a man.

Do not ask him why men are like this. Do not ask him why men do that. Do not listen to his answers and say, “I think you’re just”. You are in a date to have fun and to meet someone new. You are not there to grill the man and pry from him the secrets of their sex.

Do not talk about the ex – unnecessarily.

When you in front of your date, there might be times you compare him to your ex. But shake away those thoughts. Your date is not your ex. He is a different person and give him the chance to express yourself. At the same time, do not whine and talk about your ex as if the sole purpose of your date is to bash your ex. Your date is about the both of you. It is about two people getting to know each other and if lucky – finding that perfect partner. Do not ruin that chance by talking about your ex and putting him off in the process.

Do not choose topics such as sex, religion, and politics.

These subjects are too heavy at this point. Also, it distracts you from the two subjects that should be talked about. These subjects can lead to disagreements or difference of opinions. If those arise, there’s no telling how you will handle each other. It just might ruin what could possibly be a great date.

Don’t put in your mind that dating after divorce is difficult. You may feel nervous but your courage will be rewarded. But if you don’t feel so confident, a divorce advice can help you. Just know that you can do it. So, picked an outfit yet?

The fact alone that your marriage is over is mouthful to swallow, but you also have to communicate with your ex during the divorce. Too much is expected from you it seems. But the fact is, communicating with your ex during divorce is essential. The best you could do is to accept this challenge gracefully. Be the better man and put your best foot forward for the benefit of the greater good. You aim for an open and civil communication where both of you get the message across.

Before you become this better person, you also have to acknowledge the negative feelings that will inevitably come across. Here are some divorce support tips to help you through:

One, you will be angry.

That first meeting with your ex, you will undoubtedly feel that hairs on your neck rise. Your blood pressure will be shooting up and your thoughts will be consumed by the need to do something physical to your ex. But not the physical acrobatics you used to do. This time it will be the physical that will do damage. Even the voice alone of your ex or the smell of his perfume (come to think of it smells like rotten apple) will drive you to the roof. It is healthy to anticipate and acknowledge this anger. But of course, you can’t very well show this anger or act upon this anger – this will not bode well in your communication.

Two, you will feel the itch to resort to juvenile acts.

Talking with your ex can bring back a lot of memories. His penchant to turn the table against you, his inability to listen, his irritating habit of drumming his fingers on the table, his gall to bring his girlfriend to this momentous, albeit, stressful occasion. You may want to get back by paying someone to slash his tires. You may subscribe to porn sites and performance enhancement pills to his address. There are a lot of juvenile acts you may want to indulge to. But to be the better being, you have to control yourself.

Three, you will feel the urge to take more than half of the combined assets.

Not because you feel you deserve it, but because you want to see his hackles up. You want to see him squirm, you want to see him suffer, and you want to see him grovel.

But alas, these three are not to be. If you want to have a peaceful divorce, then it will do well to curb these basic instincts. Your communication with your ex during divorce can often be handled by your lawyers. However, there will of course be few meetings where you have to face your ex. Also, with the existence of children, an amicable and peaceful divorce will benefit everyone.

But how do you go about talking to your ex without a contact of your knee and his groin?

One, remember your goal.

Your goal is to resolve your issue at hand – which is the settlement of your divorce. Especially if you have children involved, remember you want to an amicable settlement of the divorce because of them. Their future is at stake. Don’t let go of that goal. Never forget that even for a minute. When you remember your goal and your children, you will walk away with head held high. You will walk away with more on your soul and personality, not with less.

Second, he is not your partner anymore.

At most, he is the father of your children. Thus, you don’t have to fall back on your previous behavior with him. You don’t have to fall back on your habit allowing him to talk you out of things. He does not have that power over you anymore.

Third, be objective.

This is a form of therapeutic communication. You forgo the emotionally charged phrases like, “You hurt me. You are a cheating bastard”. That will not do anything to your goal of communicating with your ex amicably. You will do well with objective words. If you cannot hold on to your temper, suggest that you meet another time. That will give you more time to reflect and center yourself.

If you are able to communicate with your ex during divorce effectively, then you will do well on coping with the divorce afterward. A divorce advice or two will be needed along the way. This divorce advice and your supportive family members will help you go through the divorce process effectively.

Expressing gratitude is one of the most fulfilling things you can do that is free. It can give you happiness that you can multiply a hundredfold. But not only do you make yourself and others happy, you do something great to your health too. Indeed, expressing gratitude is very popular in the area of positive psychology.  So let’s take a deeper look on expressing gratitude and the things to express gratitude today.

To start with, why express gratitude? Expressing gratitude is a generous act. You express your thankfulness to someone or something that has done you good. By expressing gratitude, happiness is a result. Your mood lifts and it can last for several days. It can improve your disposition. It can influence your outlook in life. When you are happy, everything is brighter and lighter. You smile more often, you laugh a lot and these can do wonders to your health. By expressing gratitude, you gain happiness and in turn mental and physical improvement.

But those mental and physical improvements are not limited to your body. The people you thank for feel happy too. You are putting a smile on someone’s face and you are contributing to that person’s health. It’s a snowball effect too. Once you have expressed your gratitude to someone, anyone, they are bound to help more people. Helping will be much easier to them when they feel that their efforts are appreciated and not taken for granted.

Since expressing gratitude can inadvertently lead to happiness and a positive outlook, the more negative thoughts are pushed behind. Studies show that with expressing gratitude, painful events or memories do not pop up as much. This led to the conclusion that expressing gratitude may contribute to emotional healing. Who knew there was so much more to being thankful and expressing it?

What are you waiting for? Express yourself! You may not be comfortable with expressing gratitude at first. The day of writing ‘thank you’ letters for gifts is said to be long past. However, that style is coming back today. If you feel uncomfortable, start by faking it at first. You can write your thank you notes on a journal and gradually, you will find yourself expressing your gratitude quite easily and sincerely.

There are a lot of things to be thankful for. Start the habit by writing 5 things to express gratitude today. The key is to be random and personal. You can do this the moment you wake up from sleep – and start it by being thankful that you woke up to this beautiful day. You can also end your day by thinking of 5 things you are grateful for the whole day. While you can be as random as “thank you for the sale at Barneys” or “I am thankful for the flowers that looked especially beautiful at the park”, don’t forget to be thankful for the most overlooked parts of our lives. Family, friends, house, and health more often than not are overlooked – just because they are constant. The fact that they are always there may lead you to take them for granted. So be personal in expressing gratitude to the random and consistent.

Have you thought of the 5 things you are grateful for today? Maybe you can start off by thanking the one who gave you that smile? How about thanking the one who opened the door for you? The taxi driver who delivered you into work safely? Overtime, you will be able to find things to be grateful for easier. You will be able to reflect deeply too on your top 5.

Many of us wonder what people mean when they talk about a “no fault” divorce, because conventional wisdom teaches most of us that when there is a divorce there are usually two sides to the story.

Yes, it’s true, whenever a good thing goes bad and former lovers or spouses have a falling-out and end the relationship, they each tend to lay some blame at each other’s feet, do a little finger pointing, and try to find fault with the other person. At least that happens for a while – sometimes only for as long as it takes to have an argument and vent, and other times it goes on for years and years without end.

Of course if they want to get any kind of good closure or healing after the divorce both partners typically need to accept some responsibility of their own – unless they are in total denial or the break was precipitated by a completed lopsided or one-sided miscreant behavior like an affair or other severe breach of trust. Without sharing the blame as well as some of the credit – when both contributed to both the good and the bad in the relationship – a person usually winds up with an unrealistically narrow or self-focused perspective that can make it harder for them to see the truth of the situation and move on to a healthier new relationship.

That brings us back around to the concept of the no-fault divorce. This is a legal term, not a romantic or emotional one. So it does not exactly mean that nobody screwed up or made a mistake in the relationship. People may still be at fault – they usually are if a marriage is coming apart at the seams – but when lawyers or legislators talk about “no fault” they mean that the divorce is based on the idea that there are some differences between the two people who are splitting up and those differences are compelling enough that they want to end the marriage.

Let’s say, for example, that Mr. and Ms. Jones decide to get divorced because they just cannot seem to get along any more. Most states allow a no fault divorce, which means they can split up and go their separate ways without having to prove or verify that one person in the marriage was at fault. In other words a no fault divorce means there does not have to be special grounds or reasons for the divorce beyond the simple fact that one of the partners in the marriage feels that it is not working for them.

This usually comes down to one person telling the divorce court judge that they have irreconcilable differences with their partner. Nobody is to blame, nobody has to accept blame or be deemed at fault. The two married people do not even have to both agree to the divorce. Just the notion that at least one of the people in the marriage is unhappy and wants out is usually all it takes if they are willing to file for divorce and testify to the judge that they believe there is no way for them to reconcile or fix the differences or incompatibility that causes them to desire a divorce.

That is basically what no fault divorce is all about. You don’t have to claim that your partner cheated on you or that there was any misconduct. Even if they did cheat on you that does not have to be the basis for the divorce. If there are differences or if there is incompatibility that’s all the court needs to know to give you permission to go through with a legal divorce. We have not always had no fault divorce in the USA, but since it was introduced in the 1970s lots of people have used this rule to keep it simple yet have the legal power to exit an unsatisfying marriage.