by Amelie on May 18, 2010
After the divorce, you feel that you are now ready to date. You want to put yourself out there and start dating someone. At this stage of dating after divorce, you have to be sure that you are over your ex. You should be able to think about your ex without murderous thought and intent, instead, you are settled with the divorce and you have accepted that you and your ex now have different lives. But before you go ahead and date, let’s have a list of some dos and dont’s in post divorce dating.
Let us start off with the ‘dos’
Do have fun.
Your first date after the divorce will reasonably set you on the edge. This is like the first date all over again. You become nervous, fidgety, palms sweaty and it is okay to be nervous. However, don’t let this get in the way of you having fun. Set yourself up to have fun. You’re only dating – nothing serious or at least not yet. Do think of happy thoughts and think of this date positively. This way, you are creating a positive vibe that will help create the mood of ease and fun.
Do prepare for your date.
This will be your date after a long time (at least with a different partner). You would want to look your best. Take time to dress nicely. Looking good will give you much confidence. Also, it doesn’t hurt to impress your date.
Do express yourself.
Be assertive. You are an equal participant in this date. You have a say to where you want to go or what you want to do. If your date suggests doing something you are not comfortable with, then say so. Do not be afraid of being assertive. Suggest on wonderful places you both might enjoy. Being assertive is a sign of confidence and self-esteem.
Do get to know your partner.
Part of the fun of dating is learning about your date. Do ask questions. Pay attention to what he is saying and pay attention to his actions too. Both give clues to the man or woman you are with. But as you ask him about himself, return the favor too. If the subject about relationships comes up, do tell him you are divorced. There is no shame in being divorced; you are being honest and upfront.
While you have the dos, you also have the don’ts
Don’t berate your date…for being a man.
Do not ask him why men are like this. Do not ask him why men do that. Do not listen to his answers and say, “I think you’re just”. You are in a date to have fun and to meet someone new. You are not there to grill the man and pry from him the secrets of their sex.
Do not talk about the ex – unnecessarily.
When you in front of your date, there might be times you compare him to your ex. But shake away those thoughts. Your date is not your ex. He is a different person and give him the chance to express yourself. At the same time, do not whine and talk about your ex as if the sole purpose of your date is to bash your ex. Your date is about the both of you. It is about two people getting to know each other and if lucky – finding that perfect partner. Do not ruin that chance by talking about your ex and putting him off in the process.
Do not choose topics such as sex, religion, and politics.
These subjects are too heavy at this point. Also, it distracts you from the two subjects that should be talked about. These subjects can lead to disagreements or difference of opinions. If those arise, there’s no telling how you will handle each other. It just might ruin what could possibly be a great date.
Don’t put in your mind that dating after divorce is difficult. You may feel nervous but your courage will be rewarded. But if you don’t feel so confident, a divorce advice can help you. Just know that you can do it. So, picked an outfit yet?
by Amelie on May 18, 2010
The fact alone that your marriage is over is mouthful to swallow, but you also have to communicate with your ex during the divorce. Too much is expected from you it seems. But the fact is, communicating with your ex during divorce is essential. The best you could do is to accept this challenge gracefully. Be the better man and put your best foot forward for the benefit of the greater good. You aim for an open and civil communication where both of you get the message across.
Before you become this better person, you also have to acknowledge the negative feelings that will inevitably come across. Here are some divorce support tips to help you through:
One, you will be angry.
That first meeting with your ex, you will undoubtedly feel that hairs on your neck rise. Your blood pressure will be shooting up and your thoughts will be consumed by the need to do something physical to your ex. But not the physical acrobatics you used to do. This time it will be the physical that will do damage. Even the voice alone of your ex or the smell of his perfume (come to think of it smells like rotten apple) will drive you to the roof. It is healthy to anticipate and acknowledge this anger. But of course, you can’t very well show this anger or act upon this anger – this will not bode well in your communication.
Two, you will feel the itch to resort to juvenile acts.
Talking with your ex can bring back a lot of memories. His penchant to turn the table against you, his inability to listen, his irritating habit of drumming his fingers on the table, his gall to bring his girlfriend to this momentous, albeit, stressful occasion. You may want to get back by paying someone to slash his tires. You may subscribe to porn sites and performance enhancement pills to his address. There are a lot of juvenile acts you may want to indulge to. But to be the better being, you have to control yourself.
Three, you will feel the urge to take more than half of the combined assets.
Not because you feel you deserve it, but because you want to see his hackles up. You want to see him squirm, you want to see him suffer, and you want to see him grovel.
But alas, these three are not to be. If you want to have a peaceful divorce, then it will do well to curb these basic instincts. Your communication with your ex during divorce can often be handled by your lawyers. However, there will of course be few meetings where you have to face your ex. Also, with the existence of children, an amicable and peaceful divorce will benefit everyone.
But how do you go about talking to your ex without a contact of your knee and his groin?
One, remember your goal.
Your goal is to resolve your issue at hand – which is the settlement of your divorce. Especially if you have children involved, remember you want to an amicable settlement of the divorce because of them. Their future is at stake. Don’t let go of that goal. Never forget that even for a minute. When you remember your goal and your children, you will walk away with head held high. You will walk away with more on your soul and personality, not with less.
Second, he is not your partner anymore.
At most, he is the father of your children. Thus, you don’t have to fall back on your previous behavior with him. You don’t have to fall back on your habit allowing him to talk you out of things. He does not have that power over you anymore.
Third, be objective.
This is a form of therapeutic communication. You forgo the emotionally charged phrases like, “You hurt me. You are a cheating bastard”. That will not do anything to your goal of communicating with your ex amicably. You will do well with objective words. If you cannot hold on to your temper, suggest that you meet another time. That will give you more time to reflect and center yourself.
If you are able to communicate with your ex during divorce effectively, then you will do well on coping with the divorce afterward. A divorce advice or two will be needed along the way. This divorce advice and your supportive family members will help you go through the divorce process effectively.
by Amelie on May 18, 2010
Expressing gratitude is one of the most fulfilling things you can do that is free. It can give you happiness that you can multiply a hundredfold. But not only do you make yourself and others happy, you do something great to your health too. Indeed, expressing gratitude is very popular in the area of positive psychology. So let’s take a deeper look on expressing gratitude and the things to express gratitude today.
To start with, why express gratitude? Expressing gratitude is a generous act. You express your thankfulness to someone or something that has done you good. By expressing gratitude, happiness is a result. Your mood lifts and it can last for several days. It can improve your disposition. It can influence your outlook in life. When you are happy, everything is brighter and lighter. You smile more often, you laugh a lot and these can do wonders to your health. By expressing gratitude, you gain happiness and in turn mental and physical improvement.
But those mental and physical improvements are not limited to your body. The people you thank for feel happy too. You are putting a smile on someone’s face and you are contributing to that person’s health. It’s a snowball effect too. Once you have expressed your gratitude to someone, anyone, they are bound to help more people. Helping will be much easier to them when they feel that their efforts are appreciated and not taken for granted.
Since expressing gratitude can inadvertently lead to happiness and a positive outlook, the more negative thoughts are pushed behind. Studies show that with expressing gratitude, painful events or memories do not pop up as much. This led to the conclusion that expressing gratitude may contribute to emotional healing. Who knew there was so much more to being thankful and expressing it?
What are you waiting for? Express yourself! You may not be comfortable with expressing gratitude at first. The day of writing ‘thank you’ letters for gifts is said to be long past. However, that style is coming back today. If you feel uncomfortable, start by faking it at first. You can write your thank you notes on a journal and gradually, you will find yourself expressing your gratitude quite easily and sincerely.
There are a lot of things to be thankful for. Start the habit by writing 5 things to express gratitude today. The key is to be random and personal. You can do this the moment you wake up from sleep – and start it by being thankful that you woke up to this beautiful day. You can also end your day by thinking of 5 things you are grateful for the whole day. While you can be as random as “thank you for the sale at Barneys” or “I am thankful for the flowers that looked especially beautiful at the park”, don’t forget to be thankful for the most overlooked parts of our lives. Family, friends, house, and health more often than not are overlooked – just because they are constant. The fact that they are always there may lead you to take them for granted. So be personal in expressing gratitude to the random and consistent.
Have you thought of the 5 things you are grateful for today? Maybe you can start off by thanking the one who gave you that smile? How about thanking the one who opened the door for you? The taxi driver who delivered you into work safely? Overtime, you will be able to find things to be grateful for easier. You will be able to reflect deeply too on your top 5.
by Understanding Divorce on April 20, 2010
Many of us wonder what people mean when they talk about a “no fault” divorce, because conventional wisdom teaches most of us that when there is a divorce there are usually two sides to the story.
Yes, it’s true, whenever a good thing goes bad and former lovers or spouses have a falling-out and end the relationship, they each tend to lay some blame at each other’s feet, do a little finger pointing, and try to find fault with the other person. At least that happens for a while – sometimes only for as long as it takes to have an argument and vent, and other times it goes on for years and years without end.
Of course if they want to get any kind of good closure or healing after the divorce both partners typically need to accept some responsibility of their own – unless they are in total denial or the break was precipitated by a completed lopsided or one-sided miscreant behavior like an affair or other severe breach of trust. Without sharing the blame as well as some of the credit – when both contributed to both the good and the bad in the relationship – a person usually winds up with an unrealistically narrow or self-focused perspective that can make it harder for them to see the truth of the situation and move on to a healthier new relationship.
That brings us back around to the concept of the no-fault divorce. This is a legal term, not a romantic or emotional one. So it does not exactly mean that nobody screwed up or made a mistake in the relationship. People may still be at fault – they usually are if a marriage is coming apart at the seams – but when lawyers or legislators talk about “no fault” they mean that the divorce is based on the idea that there are some differences between the two people who are splitting up and those differences are compelling enough that they want to end the marriage.
Let’s say, for example, that Mr. and Ms. Jones decide to get divorced because they just cannot seem to get along any more. Most states allow a no fault divorce, which means they can split up and go their separate ways without having to prove or verify that one person in the marriage was at fault. In other words a no fault divorce means there does not have to be special grounds or reasons for the divorce beyond the simple fact that one of the partners in the marriage feels that it is not working for them.
This usually comes down to one person telling the divorce court judge that they have irreconcilable differences with their partner. Nobody is to blame, nobody has to accept blame or be deemed at fault. The two married people do not even have to both agree to the divorce. Just the notion that at least one of the people in the marriage is unhappy and wants out is usually all it takes if they are willing to file for divorce and testify to the judge that they believe there is no way for them to reconcile or fix the differences or incompatibility that causes them to desire a divorce.
That is basically what no fault divorce is all about. You don’t have to claim that your partner cheated on you or that there was any misconduct. Even if they did cheat on you that does not have to be the basis for the divorce. If there are differences or if there is incompatibility that’s all the court needs to know to give you permission to go through with a legal divorce. We have not always had no fault divorce in the USA, but since it was introduced in the 1970s lots of people have used this rule to keep it simple yet have the legal power to exit an unsatisfying marriage.
by Amelie on May 18, 2010
Divorce can be looked upon objectively or subjectively. In its objective point of view, it is the dissolution of a marriage. But looked upon subjectively, it is a painful event and a liberation. You can look at divorce subjectively as you noticed in two ways – either in a positive or negative manner. To help you move forward, you must look at your divorce in a different light. Look at everything positively. It can only get better from here.
So why should you want to think positive even after that painful divorce? Well, positive thinking in itself is a good thing. But as a newly liberated woman, it is important to think positively after your divorce because of several benefits you can enjoy.
For one, thinking negatively of life after divorce brings about stress. What you think of translates physically. When you are constantly thinking of unhealthy thoughts, these thoughts are manifested in your body – your health. Your stress level will rise and these can lead to your blood pressure shooting up. Your heart rate will decrease and symptoms of depression can appear. In contrast, positive thinking will do you wonders. It can give you a sense of peace that will also translate physically. Indeed, don’t be surprised if other people say that you are positively glowing.
Second, positive thinking opens you up to whole new possibilities. With your sunny thoughts and positive outlook to your life after divorce, you are not closing yourself off to the world. You are not limiting yourself to holing up at your house and watching sad movies. Positive thinking gives you an added strength to go out there and live the life you deserve. You are becoming vulnerable. You are open to new experiences. You don’t let one bad experience define the rest of your life.
Now that you’ve seen some of the benefits of positive thinking, how do you achieve positive thinking to life after divorce?
After the divorce process, do not ever feel guilty of thinking about yourself. You are entitled to thinking about yourself. This is the backbone of your quest to positive thinking with life after divorce.
One, acknowledge your marriage and its dissolution. Not so you can “get on with life already”, but because this gives you a clear closure and in that way, you can move on freely.
Second, create a positive vibe.
You can create this positive vibe by surrounding yourself with anything wonderful and positive. Start at your home. Spruce up your home with lovely colors (avoid dark gloomy ones) and add some plants or if you want, start a garden. Having plants allows you to grow and take care of something as you take care of yourself. If the plants grow, it shows that you have made the effort and you are in turn getting back on track. Also, make sure that you have a very positive support system. Some people tend to throw their problems at you the very chance they get. Steer clear from these people for the meantime. Remember, put yourself first. Also, creative a positive vibe includes pampering yourself. Give yourself a new wardrobe, a massage, some aromatherapy as long you want. Surround yourself with flowers, watch funny movies, listen to upbeat songs – this will all help you realize there is so much more to life than sadness and anger. This is a healthy and positive environment.
Third, create your own mantra.
It may be “there is life after divorce” or it could be along the areas of “I am beautiful, worthy, and such”. Repeat this everyday, especially when you feel a little down. Repeat your attributes and strengths. This gives you power as a woman and as an individual. Divorce did not take your attributes away. Having a mantra strengthens your resolve and your positive thinking to life after divorce.
There are still a lot of things you can do to achieve positive thinking. Think of the things that you’ve always wanted to do – but had to cancel because of some constrictions you had during your marriage. You can do all these things now – no one is holding you back. Thinking of these alone is already positive thinking. Positive thinking may take time and some getting used to – but it definitely is worth it.
by Understanding Divorce on April 20, 2010
One of the most unsettling aspects of divorce is that you may come out on the other end of the divorce without your normal and healthy support network. At a time when you need that kind of team to rely upon most, you may find yourself alone with nobody to turn to in your time of need.
Create Your Divorce Support Network
You may have lost the help and support of a spouse who was important to you despite the differences that led to divorce. In the case of a divorce that includes loss of custody of children you may lose not just your spouse but your entire immediate family.
Maybe you don’t really miss your spouse’s help – because the reason some marriages end is, after all, because one spouse does not contribute enough support. Perhaps you aren’t separated from your kids because either you don’t have any or they stayed with you after the split. But even in those kinds of situations you still may suffer the loss of those people who used to be mutual friends with you and your ex – important members of your social support network. Often times when a couple splits up their friends are left in an awkward position, and they wind up having to basically choose sides and stick with one person while letting their allegiance and friendship with the other go by the wayside.
Begin Building Up Your Support
So it is not at all uncommon or unusual to go through a difficult divorce and then end up isolated – with no reliable support team.
But if you anticipate this kind of outcome and start planning ahead, it is possible to emerge from divorce with as strong a network of friends, fans, and supporters than you have ever had.
Start by making a list of the kinds of people you want to surround yourself with, because having a clear goal and concrete vision is always grounding and more efficient. Knowing where you are going before you start the journey, in other words, helps to ensure that you get to your destination. Maybe you feel the need for a purely social network including people with whom you can just relax and fun. That might require checking out some local groups and organizations. There are singles groups, charities, worship congregations, athletic clubs, business networks, and a whole host of other resources available to those who want to mix and mingle.
Or you may realize that you need some professional support to see you through the rough patch. You might not know a good plumber or mechanic because your ex husband used to manage that stuff – or maybe you need to locate a good bookkeeper or insurance agent because your ex wife handled the family finances and insurance policies when you were married. Professional support could mean any number of things – from a housekeeper or interior decorator to a psychological therapist, personal trainer, or high school kid to cut the grass and clean the gutters on the roof of your house.
Once you identify the help you need, go get it. Coming through a divorce is a big deal, and you deserve to give yourself some extra attention to make sure your needs are met.
