It’s natural to have the question of, “What did I do to deserve this?” on your mind after a divorce. If you’re looking for genuine divorce support, please disregard the advice of anyone telling you that it’s “wrong” or “bad” to ask yourself these questions.
I constantly asked myself, “What did I do to deserve this?” after the breakup of each relationship, even the seemingly casual ones. And when that divorce came, I probably qualified for a Losing a Year to Self Pity award.
You don’t have to go that far; there’s a fine line between normal questioning and potentially destructive ruminating.
Also, asking yourself hard questions can help you recover from any mistakes. This form of self-inquiry can actually be one of the strongest forms of divorce support, generating best pieces of divorce advice you can receive. Eventually, this is what will help you move on into a better relationship with yourself and maybe even a new lover.
You may want to just think about the answers, or write the responses down in a journal or type them in a private word processing document on your computer. You may have a trusted friend, family member, or therapist with whom you might feel comfortable sharing the answers. Just be careful who you spill your feelings to; some “well-meaning” people may try to deny or minimize how you really feeling.
You have a right to your feelings, whether they are of anguish or anger. Denying those feelings will only prolong the natural grieving process. Ignoring your feelings could also lead to overeating, too much caffeine, cigarette smoking, headaches, backaches, and other unpleasant symptoms that often accompany the stress of denying your true emotions.
Here’s some other “hard questions” to ask yourself as you recover from a divorce. Feel free to ask yourself one, two, all, or none of them; this is your divorce recovery and no one else’s!
- What did I like about my spouse?
- What did I like about myself when I was with my spouse?
- What did I not like (or if you’d rather, use hate) about my spouse?
- What did I not like about my behaviors with my spouse?
- Did I suspect my spouse had an affair, or had proof or admissions of infidelity? Did I commit infidelity or contemplate it?
- Why did I marry my spouse?
- Why am I divorcing my spouse?
- What have I learned from this experience?
- In what way has the direction of my life changed for the positive from the marriage?
- Why did I endure that experience?
Now, at some point you’ll likely get past the stage of asking yourself questions like, “What did I do to deserve this?” and you will find peace in the growth in this type of divorce support and you will understand the direction your life has taken because of your experience. In fact, you may even be ready to find a new partner. Before jumping into the dating game, make sure that you realize what did and didn’t work about your marriage. If you chose a workaholic wife who often had affairs, becoming aware of that as part of your history can help prevent you from wearing blinders in the future.
These questions aren’t meant to recriminate, but to at least emotionally document what was right—and not-so-right—about your marriage. Accepting that you’re divorced is only part of the battle; feeling your emotions and also noting possible ignored “red flags” about your ex-spouse will make you a stronger romantic companion to someone else in the future.
You have the right to expect, and get, only the best in life and when you turn your focus towards what you deserve is when you start manifesting it for yourself!
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If you can have a positive attitude, you can make a happier and more enjoyable life for yourself after your divorce or separation, like I did! Understanding why your break-up occurred can help you to improve yourself.